Fic 3 Tipsy Superheroes
27/2/12 23:16![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shanachie_quillTitle: 3 Tipsy Superheroes
Characters: Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Thor, random OCs, appearances by other Avengers’ characters (it’s a surprise who)
Fandom: Avengers
Series: N/A
Written For: whogeek
Prompt: boys drinking
Summary: Tony takes Steve and Thor out for a night on the town with the intention of having a blast and painting the town.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None really
Warnings: Um…boys drinking, crack, Tony
Disclaimer: No one recognizable belongs to me.
Author's Note: First off. Happy, happy, happy belated birthday to whogeek. This was supposed to be her birthday gift and I kinda fail on getting it done. So yeah. Now. Special thanks to illfindmyway and kaitlia777 because without them I never would have finished this. Especially not kaitlia777 because she made the pictures for the Twitter feeds and just helped me when I was poking at the guys and yes. So I hope you guys enjoy this. And well…this actually didn’t end up as cracky as I thought it was going to.
“Sir?” The SHIELD agent started as his quiet voice caused Fury’s head to jerk up. When faced with the glare from the other man’s face, he gulped, but gamely continued on, “We’re um getting strange reports?”
“Are you asking or telling me?” Fury snapped.
“Telling, Sir.” The agent straightened up. “And Mr. Thor, Captain Rogers, and Mr. Stark aren’t on base, Sir.”
"That's it, I'm gonna LoJack their asses," Fury responded. “Please tell me they aren’t the cause…” He stopped. “Of course they are.”
Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers
Quite a Few Hours Earlier
Tony Stark wandered into the base library. Technically he was only a consultant for SHIELD, but it was more amusing on occasion to loiter around the base and annoy people since he didn’t have Stark Industries to deal with on a day to day basis. Pepper actually preferred that he didn’t put an appearance in at the offices unless specifically requested since he’d signed the company over to her. He could only take so much tinkering and toying before he needed new diversions. And the two blondes in front of him were definitely a diversion.
Someone had apparently convinced them that wearing what was for them ‘normal’ clothes made them stand out more and they were in jeans and Henleys. Not that two well-built men over six feet didn’t stand out anyway. Both men had their heads bent over thick books, ignoring the computers in the room in favor of print materials. Tony knew they had been assigned history lessons; Steve to catch up on the seventy some years he’d slept through beneath the ice and Thor to make him blend in better when they were on the streets. Still all the book knowledge in the world wouldn’t teach them what they really needed to know.
With that in mind, Tony clapped his hands loudly, startling the two men. “All right! You two need a study break!” he announced.
Steve frowned at him before indicating the stack of books next to them. “We have a lot of reading to do.”
Tony flicked an imaginary piece of dust off one of the books. “Soldier boy, even I couldn’t read all that without taking some breaks.” He shut the book Steve had been reading before reaching across and closing Thor’s, too. “Come on, Godling, you too. You need to see something of this world you’re protecting not just read about it.” He spun on his heel intending to leave the room, but when he realized they weren’t following, he turned back. “Well let’s go. Chop chop.”
Thor looked across the table at Steve in confusion. “Do I need an axe?” he asked. “We’re going to chop something?”
The still youthful looking soldier shook his head. “No. He wants us to hurry up.” Standing up, he grabbed the leather jacket that was hanging on the back of his chair. “We’d better see where he wants to go. I have a feeling he won’t leave us alone unless we do.”
Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers
Tony threw his arms out as he exited the limo, acknowledging the flashbulbs that went off as the paparazzi caught sight of him. He turned and motioned to the two blondes who were peering around the door frame. “Come on. Don’t let a little light show scare you,” he prompted. He turned back around, waving gaily at the crowd. “It’s just the press! Nothing to fear!”
Steve snorted, just barely heard over the yells and calls of, Mr. Stark! Tony! Over here! “Sure. Nothing to fear. It’s just the press,” he said ironically. “I seem to remember getting railroaded by the press.”
Thor looked confused but gamely followed Steve as Tony pulled him out of the car. “You were hit by a train?” he asked.
“No. Rail…” Steve sighed. “Remind me to get you a book of idioms. And a comic book.”
“Jane hit me with her car. Twice,” Thor commented as Tony clapped them both on the shoulders and started to steer them towards the door.
The shorter man did a double-take and then shook off what seemed like a non-sequitur from the Viking. “Never mind,” he said, flashing a grin. “Tonight. We drink!”
“I’m not sure that’s…” Steve started as they reached the front of the line, having by-passed all of the people waiting.
“Mr. Stark!” The bouncer shook Tony’s hand, an ingratiating smile spreading across his features. “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming?”
“I wasn’t sure I was,” Tony answered. “Any chance my table is free?”
The man made a motion and a woman hurried up, listening to a few whispered instructions. As she scurried away, he responded, “It will be by the time you get inside. Will you require company this evening?”
Tony motioned to Steve and Thor, who were lurking behind him. “No. Not tonight. We’ll take three bottles of your most expensive Scotch to start with. If you don’t have three bottles, then just make it three bottles of your most expensive booze.”
“Of course, Mr. Stark,” he answered. “Alisa will escort you and your…friends to the table. And your order will be right there.”
Thor looked around as they settled at the table, the strobe lights causing him to squint. “This is where your warriors gather?” he questioned.
“This is where everyone gathers,” Steve answered.
“At least those rich enough or good-looking enough to get in,” Tony answered. He leaned back as Alisa returned with the liquor he’d ordered. “Thank you, beautiful. Just leave the bottles after you pour.”
“Is there a particular one you want opened first, Mr. Stark?” she asked as she leaned over so he had a clear view of her cleavage.
“The smoothest, most expensive,” he told her, glancing out of habit before turning away to see what Steve and Thor were doing.
The other two at the table were watching the crowd with interest, trying to follow the gyrating bodies. Tony slid glasses across the table towards them, drawing their attention. “What is this?” Thor asked.
“Scotch,” Tony replied. “Alcohol,” he added at the confused look on Thor’s face.
“You know I can’t get drunk,” Steve cautioned.
Tony nudged the glass closer. “Doesn’t mean we can’t try. Besides all those years on ice might have changed your metabolism. Or your doctor might have been wrong.” He held up a hand when Steve seemed about to defend the fallen man. “I’m not saying anything against him, just it was the forties.”
Steve took a moment to make sure there hadn’t actually been an insult in there, then apparently decided it wasn’t worth the effort. He nudged a glass towards Thor. “What are we drinking to?” he asked.
“Absent friends,” Thor announced as he picked up his glass. “The friends fallen in battle that await us in Valhalla.” When the other two did not move, he nudged them. “You name the friends you wish to remember.”
Steve raised his own glass; glad someone else had taken the lead. “Bucky and the other commandos. Peggy.” He paused before adding, “Howard.”
Tony looked disconcerted for a minute before nodding in agreement. “Howard, my father. My mother, Maria. Yinsen and his family.”
The three men, misplaced by time and space, knocked their glasses together before tipping them back and swallowing. “Next toast,” Tony announced as he motioned for them to hold their glasses for him to refill. “To wine, women, and song!”
Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers
Alert in SHIELD AI System
2300 Hours NYC EST time
During routine scan of local internet social media sites, the following Twitter conversation was found by keyword search:
Notation: Perhaps alerts should be directed to someone other than the person in question.
StarksBiggestFan:
OMG! Just saw Tony Stark leave Eclipse w 2 guys. Any1 know who?
TStarkisaHottie:
I saw too. No clue but OMG! HAWT!
StarksBiggestFan:
Tag them! #tstark&hotties
StarkIsTheMan:
They just went into Riot @ the Park! #tstark&hotties
IronManRules:
I'm there! #tstark&hotties
StarksBiggestFan:
RT: I'm there! #tstark&hotties
TStarkisaHottie:
RT: I'm there! #tstark&hotties
StarkIsTheMan:
RT: I'm there! #tstark&hotties
NYPost:
Tony Stark out on town with two stunning men. Friends? Or something more? We're tracking! #TSfriends
NYCGirl:
Mel, U Owe me 20! I saw Tony Stark @ Riot @ the Park! He was dancing with two guys.
Melamanic:
@NYCGirl I want proof! Pix girl! Pix!
StarksBiggestFan:
Is anyone inside? #tstark&hotties
StarkIsTheMan:
No not me. #tstark&hotties
TStarkisaHottie:
No not me either. #tstark&hotties
NYCGirl:
@ Melamanic Proof enough? (attached picture IDed as Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Thor)
NYCGirl:
@ Melamanic Proof enough? (attached picture IDed as Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Thor)
NYCGirl:
@ Melamanic Proof enough? (attached picture IDed as Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Thor)
IronManRules:
Someone must be: RT: NYCGirl Proof enough? (attached picture IDed as Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Thor) #tstark&hotties
Pause in transcript
Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers
“Sir?” The SHIELD agent started as his quiet voice caused Fury’s head to jerk up. When faced with the glare from the other man’s face, he gulped, but gamely continued on, “We’re um getting strange reports?”
“Are you asking or telling me?” Fury snapped.
“Telling, Sir.” The agent straightened up. “And Mr. Thor, Captain Rogers, and Mr. Stark aren’t on base, Sir.”
"That's it, I'm gonna LoJack their asses," Fury responded. “Please tell me they aren’t the cause…” He stopped. “Of course they are.”
Fury swept down the hall, snapping orders as he moved. His first order was a demand that someone find Coulson and soon the unflappable man was striding towards him, accepting the printouts that were unceremoniously shoved towards him. “Reports are coming in from all over, sir,” Coulson reported. “They were last seen headed towards Central Park.”
“Get Agents Romanov and Barton. Have them gear up,” Fury instructed, expecting his order to be obeyed.
Coulson blinked at the directive, but continued to flip through reports. “They haven’t done any reportable damage. Just…made a nuisance of themselves.”
“What are they doing out and about?” Barton asked as he dropped down from somewhere and joined the group. One of the newer agents let out a squeak and Coulson made a note of it, sending a glare Barton’s way. The archer gave him an unrepentant smirk in response. Romanov appeared at his shoulder, smacking her partner in disapproval.
“We do not need to know why,” she informed him. “Just what we need to do.”
“’Tasha,” he whined. “You never let me have any fun.”
“I let you have fun,” she replied. “Just not when it is time to work.”
Barton grinned at that. “Who says that isn’t fun?”
“Barton,” Fury growled and the archer actually fell silent. “Stark, Captain Rogers, and Thor are…loose in the city. We need to reacquire them and return them to the Tower, without causing an incident. That is your mission,” he informed the group before him.
“Question?” Barton actually raised his hand, waiting until Fury glared at him. “We allowed to tase them? Or something? To bring them in, I mean.”
“Get in the car, Barton,” Fury and Coulson replied in unison.
“I was just…” Barton asked as Romanov shoved him into one of the SUVs. “Ow!”
“Get in and shut up,” she hissed, “or I will make life unpleasant. We must find our teammates.” Clearly reading the threat behind her words, he got into the car without further comment.
Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers
Steve blinked as the blacktop seemed to weave in front of him. Reaching out, he pawed uselessly at the air, finally connecting with Thor’s shoulder. The taller blonde swayed as Steve leaned some of his weight on him, laughing effusively as he just managed to keep them both upright. “Friend Steve, I fear you do not have the capacity you think you do,” Thor informed him.
“My tolerance is ju…ju…it’s fine,” Steve told him. “Ton-ny, what did you put in my drink?”
“Oh, this and that. A carefully calculated formula designed to bypass some of the more annoying side effects of your super soldier-dom,” Tony informed him. “I wanted to help…”
“You do have mighty steeds!” Thor announced in a loud voice. Shaking off Steve’s hand, he loped off down the road.
“Whaaa…?” Steve and Tony exchanged glances, then Steve saw the direction Thor was looking. “Thor, no!”
“Steed!” Thor threw a hand up, trying to stop the horse and carriage in its tracks. “Steed! Halt! I must talk with you! Steed! Where do your kind reside in this city? I must know! I wish to acquire a noble companion on which I can ride into glorious battle!”
The driver pulled back on the reins, trying to control the horse that’d (surprisingly) reared back a little at the exuberance of the god. The passengers in the carriage shrieked as Thor threw his arms around the horse’s neck and continued to prattle at the animal. Steve had made it to his side by that time and tried to pull him off as Tony stopped just off the path. “I don’t think he can understand you, Thor,” he commented after a minute.
“But Friend Tony, he is a noble steed!” Thor turned, almost jerking the horse around and it was all Steve could do to keep them all upright.
“Yeah, but it…” Tony stopped as he attempted to remember what the cover story was before giving it up as too much effort. “Steve?” He waved a hand, getting distracted by the motion for a minute. “What was I saying?”
“I don’t know, Tony,” Steve answered, still attempting to pull Thor off the horse’s neck.
“Oh! I know! Thor. If you leave this horse alone. We’ll see about getting you a pony! That’s what it was. I mean it won’t be a mighty steed, but maybe a little pony and we’ll have to talk to the mean and scary man about where you can keep it, but yeah, a pony.” Tony nodded decisively.
“Tony, I’m not sure that’s such a good…” Steve turned to face the billionaire, almost tipping over as he overbalanced himself.
Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers Avengers
The SHIELD agents and two Avengers spread out through the park, connected by their radios; hunting for their wayward men. It didn’t take one of the junior agents long to call in a sighting of the three men who’d accosted a horse and carriage on one of the side paths. As soon as they were within a hundred feet, Coulson pointed towards the trees and without another word, Barton grabbed the nearest branch, hoisting himself up and disappearing into the tree. Another motion sent Romanov into the shadows, ghosting along in the wake of her partner.
A minute later their radios crackled and Barton’s voice came over them, “Are you guys seeing this?”
The agents had made their way close enough that they could see the missing Avengers. Steve was trying to pull Thor off a horse while Tony weaved from side to side. For a moment there was no comment from the assembled team.
Then Barton asked, “Are you sure you don’t want me to just knock them out, sir? It’ll make our lives a lot easier.”
“Thought you were rooting for Thor, Barton?” Coulson commented.
“I was, sir, but now I’m rooting for the poor horse. I always root for the underdog, remember, sir?”
“Barton,” Fury warned.
“Yes, sir. Shutting up now, sir,” Barton chirruped and the ones who knew him could hear the smirk in his voice.
“Coulson,” Fury directed.
“Yes, sir,” Coulson replied. “Romanov. Barton. Hold.” He motioned for the agents to spread out, creating a perimeter around the three Avengers. Straightening the lapels on his suit, he strode forward. “Mr. Stark. Captain Rogers. Mr. Odinson. It is time for you to return home. I’m afraid you’re disturbing the citizens and we need to request that you desist.”
“Now listen to me, Phil,” Tony started, spinning to face the senior agent. He weaved for a moment and Steve put a hand out to brace him. When Tony opened his mouth to say something else, his brown eyes rolled back into his head and he crumpled towards the ground.
Steve grabbed the back of his jacket, using it to haul Tony back upright. When it was clear that Tony was out for the count, the super solider hauled the man over his shoulder, settling him there. Steve weaved for a moment, before recovering. “Sir, I apologize for any trouble we’ve caused,” he started.
“We’ll discuss it at a more opportune moment, Captain,” Coulson responded. “Are you all right?” He motioned to a few of the agents, who quickly moved towards the carriage, getting the civilians moving.
“Tony…” Steve sighed. “Wanted to help. He might have added something to a few of my drinks.”
“Are you compromised, Captain?” Fury asked as he strode forward.
“No, sir, Colonel,” Steve replied. “I’m capable of returning to base.” He shifted Tony’s dead weight to a more comfortable position. “But I am never drinking with Tony again.”
Characters: Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Thor, random OCs, appearances by other Avengers’ characters (it’s a surprise who)
Fandom: Avengers
Series: N/A
Written For: whogeek
Prompt: boys drinking
Summary: Tony takes Steve and Thor out for a night on the town with the intention of having a blast and painting the town.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None really
Warnings: Um…boys drinking, crack, Tony
Disclaimer: No one recognizable belongs to me.
Author's Note: First off. Happy, happy, happy belated birthday to whogeek. This was supposed to be her birthday gift and I kinda fail on getting it done. So yeah. Now. Special thanks to illfindmyway and kaitlia777 because without them I never would have finished this. Especially not kaitlia777 because she made the pictures for the Twitter feeds and just helped me when I was poking at the guys and yes. So I hope you guys enjoy this. And well…this actually didn’t end up as cracky as I thought it was going to.
“Sir?” The SHIELD agent started as his quiet voice caused Fury’s head to jerk up. When faced with the glare from the other man’s face, he gulped, but gamely continued on, “We’re um getting strange reports?”
“Are you asking or telling me?” Fury snapped.
“Telling, Sir.” The agent straightened up. “And Mr. Thor, Captain Rogers, and Mr. Stark aren’t on base, Sir.”
"That's it, I'm gonna LoJack their asses," Fury responded. “Please tell me they aren’t the cause…” He stopped. “Of course they are.”
Quite a Few Hours Earlier
Tony Stark wandered into the base library. Technically he was only a consultant for SHIELD, but it was more amusing on occasion to loiter around the base and annoy people since he didn’t have Stark Industries to deal with on a day to day basis. Pepper actually preferred that he didn’t put an appearance in at the offices unless specifically requested since he’d signed the company over to her. He could only take so much tinkering and toying before he needed new diversions. And the two blondes in front of him were definitely a diversion.
Someone had apparently convinced them that wearing what was for them ‘normal’ clothes made them stand out more and they were in jeans and Henleys. Not that two well-built men over six feet didn’t stand out anyway. Both men had their heads bent over thick books, ignoring the computers in the room in favor of print materials. Tony knew they had been assigned history lessons; Steve to catch up on the seventy some years he’d slept through beneath the ice and Thor to make him blend in better when they were on the streets. Still all the book knowledge in the world wouldn’t teach them what they really needed to know.
With that in mind, Tony clapped his hands loudly, startling the two men. “All right! You two need a study break!” he announced.
Steve frowned at him before indicating the stack of books next to them. “We have a lot of reading to do.”
Tony flicked an imaginary piece of dust off one of the books. “Soldier boy, even I couldn’t read all that without taking some breaks.” He shut the book Steve had been reading before reaching across and closing Thor’s, too. “Come on, Godling, you too. You need to see something of this world you’re protecting not just read about it.” He spun on his heel intending to leave the room, but when he realized they weren’t following, he turned back. “Well let’s go. Chop chop.”
Thor looked across the table at Steve in confusion. “Do I need an axe?” he asked. “We’re going to chop something?”
The still youthful looking soldier shook his head. “No. He wants us to hurry up.” Standing up, he grabbed the leather jacket that was hanging on the back of his chair. “We’d better see where he wants to go. I have a feeling he won’t leave us alone unless we do.”
Tony threw his arms out as he exited the limo, acknowledging the flashbulbs that went off as the paparazzi caught sight of him. He turned and motioned to the two blondes who were peering around the door frame. “Come on. Don’t let a little light show scare you,” he prompted. He turned back around, waving gaily at the crowd. “It’s just the press! Nothing to fear!”
Steve snorted, just barely heard over the yells and calls of, Mr. Stark! Tony! Over here! “Sure. Nothing to fear. It’s just the press,” he said ironically. “I seem to remember getting railroaded by the press.”
Thor looked confused but gamely followed Steve as Tony pulled him out of the car. “You were hit by a train?” he asked.
“No. Rail…” Steve sighed. “Remind me to get you a book of idioms. And a comic book.”
“Jane hit me with her car. Twice,” Thor commented as Tony clapped them both on the shoulders and started to steer them towards the door.
The shorter man did a double-take and then shook off what seemed like a non-sequitur from the Viking. “Never mind,” he said, flashing a grin. “Tonight. We drink!”
“I’m not sure that’s…” Steve started as they reached the front of the line, having by-passed all of the people waiting.
“Mr. Stark!” The bouncer shook Tony’s hand, an ingratiating smile spreading across his features. “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming?”
“I wasn’t sure I was,” Tony answered. “Any chance my table is free?”
The man made a motion and a woman hurried up, listening to a few whispered instructions. As she scurried away, he responded, “It will be by the time you get inside. Will you require company this evening?”
Tony motioned to Steve and Thor, who were lurking behind him. “No. Not tonight. We’ll take three bottles of your most expensive Scotch to start with. If you don’t have three bottles, then just make it three bottles of your most expensive booze.”
“Of course, Mr. Stark,” he answered. “Alisa will escort you and your…friends to the table. And your order will be right there.”
Thor looked around as they settled at the table, the strobe lights causing him to squint. “This is where your warriors gather?” he questioned.
“This is where everyone gathers,” Steve answered.
“At least those rich enough or good-looking enough to get in,” Tony answered. He leaned back as Alisa returned with the liquor he’d ordered. “Thank you, beautiful. Just leave the bottles after you pour.”
“Is there a particular one you want opened first, Mr. Stark?” she asked as she leaned over so he had a clear view of her cleavage.
“The smoothest, most expensive,” he told her, glancing out of habit before turning away to see what Steve and Thor were doing.
The other two at the table were watching the crowd with interest, trying to follow the gyrating bodies. Tony slid glasses across the table towards them, drawing their attention. “What is this?” Thor asked.
“Scotch,” Tony replied. “Alcohol,” he added at the confused look on Thor’s face.
“You know I can’t get drunk,” Steve cautioned.
Tony nudged the glass closer. “Doesn’t mean we can’t try. Besides all those years on ice might have changed your metabolism. Or your doctor might have been wrong.” He held up a hand when Steve seemed about to defend the fallen man. “I’m not saying anything against him, just it was the forties.”
Steve took a moment to make sure there hadn’t actually been an insult in there, then apparently decided it wasn’t worth the effort. He nudged a glass towards Thor. “What are we drinking to?” he asked.
“Absent friends,” Thor announced as he picked up his glass. “The friends fallen in battle that await us in Valhalla.” When the other two did not move, he nudged them. “You name the friends you wish to remember.”
Steve raised his own glass; glad someone else had taken the lead. “Bucky and the other commandos. Peggy.” He paused before adding, “Howard.”
Tony looked disconcerted for a minute before nodding in agreement. “Howard, my father. My mother, Maria. Yinsen and his family.”
The three men, misplaced by time and space, knocked their glasses together before tipping them back and swallowing. “Next toast,” Tony announced as he motioned for them to hold their glasses for him to refill. “To wine, women, and song!”
Alert in SHIELD AI System
2300 Hours NYC EST time
During routine scan of local internet social media sites, the following Twitter conversation was found by keyword search:
Notation: Perhaps alerts should be directed to someone other than the person in question.
StarksBiggestFan:
OMG! Just saw Tony Stark leave Eclipse w 2 guys. Any1 know who?
TStarkisaHottie:
I saw too. No clue but OMG! HAWT!
StarksBiggestFan:
Tag them! #tstark&hotties
StarkIsTheMan:
They just went into Riot @ the Park! #tstark&hotties
IronManRules:
I'm there! #tstark&hotties
StarksBiggestFan:
RT: I'm there! #tstark&hotties
TStarkisaHottie:
RT: I'm there! #tstark&hotties
StarkIsTheMan:
RT: I'm there! #tstark&hotties
NYPost:
Tony Stark out on town with two stunning men. Friends? Or something more? We're tracking! #TSfriends
NYCGirl:
Mel, U Owe me 20! I saw Tony Stark @ Riot @ the Park! He was dancing with two guys.
Melamanic:
@NYCGirl I want proof! Pix girl! Pix!
StarksBiggestFan:
Is anyone inside? #tstark&hotties
StarkIsTheMan:
No not me. #tstark&hotties
TStarkisaHottie:
No not me either. #tstark&hotties
NYCGirl:
@ Melamanic Proof enough? (attached picture IDed as Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Thor)
NYCGirl:
@ Melamanic Proof enough? (attached picture IDed as Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Thor)
NYCGirl:
@ Melamanic Proof enough? (attached picture IDed as Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Thor)
IronManRules:
Someone must be: RT: NYCGirl Proof enough? (attached picture IDed as Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Thor) #tstark&hotties
Pause in transcript
“Sir?” The SHIELD agent started as his quiet voice caused Fury’s head to jerk up. When faced with the glare from the other man’s face, he gulped, but gamely continued on, “We’re um getting strange reports?”
“Are you asking or telling me?” Fury snapped.
“Telling, Sir.” The agent straightened up. “And Mr. Thor, Captain Rogers, and Mr. Stark aren’t on base, Sir.”
"That's it, I'm gonna LoJack their asses," Fury responded. “Please tell me they aren’t the cause…” He stopped. “Of course they are.”
Fury swept down the hall, snapping orders as he moved. His first order was a demand that someone find Coulson and soon the unflappable man was striding towards him, accepting the printouts that were unceremoniously shoved towards him. “Reports are coming in from all over, sir,” Coulson reported. “They were last seen headed towards Central Park.”
“Get Agents Romanov and Barton. Have them gear up,” Fury instructed, expecting his order to be obeyed.
Coulson blinked at the directive, but continued to flip through reports. “They haven’t done any reportable damage. Just…made a nuisance of themselves.”
“What are they doing out and about?” Barton asked as he dropped down from somewhere and joined the group. One of the newer agents let out a squeak and Coulson made a note of it, sending a glare Barton’s way. The archer gave him an unrepentant smirk in response. Romanov appeared at his shoulder, smacking her partner in disapproval.
“We do not need to know why,” she informed him. “Just what we need to do.”
“’Tasha,” he whined. “You never let me have any fun.”
“I let you have fun,” she replied. “Just not when it is time to work.”
Barton grinned at that. “Who says that isn’t fun?”
“Barton,” Fury growled and the archer actually fell silent. “Stark, Captain Rogers, and Thor are…loose in the city. We need to reacquire them and return them to the Tower, without causing an incident. That is your mission,” he informed the group before him.
“Question?” Barton actually raised his hand, waiting until Fury glared at him. “We allowed to tase them? Or something? To bring them in, I mean.”
“Get in the car, Barton,” Fury and Coulson replied in unison.
“I was just…” Barton asked as Romanov shoved him into one of the SUVs. “Ow!”
“Get in and shut up,” she hissed, “or I will make life unpleasant. We must find our teammates.” Clearly reading the threat behind her words, he got into the car without further comment.
Steve blinked as the blacktop seemed to weave in front of him. Reaching out, he pawed uselessly at the air, finally connecting with Thor’s shoulder. The taller blonde swayed as Steve leaned some of his weight on him, laughing effusively as he just managed to keep them both upright. “Friend Steve, I fear you do not have the capacity you think you do,” Thor informed him.
“My tolerance is ju…ju…it’s fine,” Steve told him. “Ton-ny, what did you put in my drink?”
“Oh, this and that. A carefully calculated formula designed to bypass some of the more annoying side effects of your super soldier-dom,” Tony informed him. “I wanted to help…”
“You do have mighty steeds!” Thor announced in a loud voice. Shaking off Steve’s hand, he loped off down the road.
“Whaaa…?” Steve and Tony exchanged glances, then Steve saw the direction Thor was looking. “Thor, no!”
“Steed!” Thor threw a hand up, trying to stop the horse and carriage in its tracks. “Steed! Halt! I must talk with you! Steed! Where do your kind reside in this city? I must know! I wish to acquire a noble companion on which I can ride into glorious battle!”
The driver pulled back on the reins, trying to control the horse that’d (surprisingly) reared back a little at the exuberance of the god. The passengers in the carriage shrieked as Thor threw his arms around the horse’s neck and continued to prattle at the animal. Steve had made it to his side by that time and tried to pull him off as Tony stopped just off the path. “I don’t think he can understand you, Thor,” he commented after a minute.
“But Friend Tony, he is a noble steed!” Thor turned, almost jerking the horse around and it was all Steve could do to keep them all upright.
“Yeah, but it…” Tony stopped as he attempted to remember what the cover story was before giving it up as too much effort. “Steve?” He waved a hand, getting distracted by the motion for a minute. “What was I saying?”
“I don’t know, Tony,” Steve answered, still attempting to pull Thor off the horse’s neck.
“Oh! I know! Thor. If you leave this horse alone. We’ll see about getting you a pony! That’s what it was. I mean it won’t be a mighty steed, but maybe a little pony and we’ll have to talk to the mean and scary man about where you can keep it, but yeah, a pony.” Tony nodded decisively.
“Tony, I’m not sure that’s such a good…” Steve turned to face the billionaire, almost tipping over as he overbalanced himself.
The SHIELD agents and two Avengers spread out through the park, connected by their radios; hunting for their wayward men. It didn’t take one of the junior agents long to call in a sighting of the three men who’d accosted a horse and carriage on one of the side paths. As soon as they were within a hundred feet, Coulson pointed towards the trees and without another word, Barton grabbed the nearest branch, hoisting himself up and disappearing into the tree. Another motion sent Romanov into the shadows, ghosting along in the wake of her partner.
A minute later their radios crackled and Barton’s voice came over them, “Are you guys seeing this?”
The agents had made their way close enough that they could see the missing Avengers. Steve was trying to pull Thor off a horse while Tony weaved from side to side. For a moment there was no comment from the assembled team.
Then Barton asked, “Are you sure you don’t want me to just knock them out, sir? It’ll make our lives a lot easier.”
“Thought you were rooting for Thor, Barton?” Coulson commented.
“I was, sir, but now I’m rooting for the poor horse. I always root for the underdog, remember, sir?”
“Barton,” Fury warned.
“Yes, sir. Shutting up now, sir,” Barton chirruped and the ones who knew him could hear the smirk in his voice.
“Coulson,” Fury directed.
“Yes, sir,” Coulson replied. “Romanov. Barton. Hold.” He motioned for the agents to spread out, creating a perimeter around the three Avengers. Straightening the lapels on his suit, he strode forward. “Mr. Stark. Captain Rogers. Mr. Odinson. It is time for you to return home. I’m afraid you’re disturbing the citizens and we need to request that you desist.”
“Now listen to me, Phil,” Tony started, spinning to face the senior agent. He weaved for a moment and Steve put a hand out to brace him. When Tony opened his mouth to say something else, his brown eyes rolled back into his head and he crumpled towards the ground.
Steve grabbed the back of his jacket, using it to haul Tony back upright. When it was clear that Tony was out for the count, the super solider hauled the man over his shoulder, settling him there. Steve weaved for a moment, before recovering. “Sir, I apologize for any trouble we’ve caused,” he started.
“We’ll discuss it at a more opportune moment, Captain,” Coulson responded. “Are you all right?” He motioned to a few of the agents, who quickly moved towards the carriage, getting the civilians moving.
“Tony…” Steve sighed. “Wanted to help. He might have added something to a few of my drinks.”
“Are you compromised, Captain?” Fury asked as he strode forward.
“No, sir, Colonel,” Steve replied. “I’m capable of returning to base.” He shifted Tony’s dead weight to a more comfortable position. “But I am never drinking with Tony again.”
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